i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And then he peed in my hair
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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