OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
