I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
