I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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