Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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