Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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