i barfeds in our rink
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it glows. i had to have it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
