apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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