I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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