Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
