Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
