i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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