i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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