Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
