he thought i was a dude.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
