I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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