I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
