booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
