happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
and you fell through a lawn chair
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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