i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
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Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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