Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
