She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
