I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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