I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
