good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
