Quick, to the slutcave!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
