Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
