I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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