Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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