How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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