He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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