I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
