Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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