Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
