I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
