Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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