if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
