It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
