yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
