She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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