cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
