don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
