Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.