Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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