THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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