i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
