I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
