You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
