I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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