note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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