I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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