You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
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STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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